I have been working on this post for quite a while. Not knowing how to explain exactly what my life (well, my health, really) has been like over the last few years. Not knowing if I can correctly describe everything. Not knowing if people will be able to relate...or even care. I do not want to sound "whiney" or for people to think I'm having a "Poor Me" moment, looking for sympathy. With that being said, I've decided that I will post my "story" in hopes that maybe some people will understand, maybe even it will help someone. If nothing else, I know it helps me just to write things down and "unload" all of the burden. I'm not great with words, I know that, so this may all sound jumbled, I've tried to make it as "understandable" as possible. So, here it goes......
Have you ever felt that you were lost in life? Lost yourself, not knowing how or why? The real YOU has just seemed to flit away over time. I have felt this way many times. I think we all do once in a while. Sometimes it happens because of a situation that we're thrown into that's out of our control, sometimes it is a health condition...whatever the case, it is not a good feeling.
I normally can remedy whatever situation, deal with it the best way I know how and get back to normal. Occasionally, I need help, and that's OK too. It took me a long time to realize that it really is OK...admitting to myself that I wasn't OK, that I could not "do it all" was really hard! I felt like a failure. I felt weak.
I am the one who tries to make sure that people around me are well taken care of. I am the happy one, always with a smile. I am the one who steps in to help, even when not convenient to me. I am the quiet one, funny one, sometimes forgotten one...I always try to be the loyal and helpful one. That's Me. I am happiest when I am helping others. I like to make a positive difference. I don't need recognition, it just makes me feel good to help, to make others happy. I look at it this way, I do what I can for others as often as I can because some day, I may be the one in need and I'd hope that someone would be there for me.
Now, I will be the first one to admit that I am no angel. I have faults and flaws, many of them. I have hurt people who I love dearly, maybe not purposely, but nonetheless, my words/actions have caused pain to another human being and that is NOT who I am. I get angry, I get jealous....but for the most part, I really do try to treat others as I want to be treated. I try to keep situations peaceful. I just try to live a good life. I certainly can not complain about all of life's ups and downs. I have been blessed and have a very good life. I have been happy with my life, the good and bad, flaws and faults...you just try to learn from mistakes and move on. And appreciate the little things.
So, that WAS the real ME. A few years ago, I noticed that I started slipping away. I could feel changes within myself that I couldn't explain. I knew something was "off" but didn't know what. I started loosing interest in things that I normally loved. I started gaining weight (a struggle for me for years). Then I received some life altering news and really slipped into a "funk" quickly. The diagnosis once I finally sought help, depression. I could see this as there were many added stressers in my life now and I know all too well how stress can wreak havoc on you mentally and physically. I was told to decrease stress in my life (yea, easier said than done) and go on meds. I reluctantly went on the prescribed meds., even though I really did not want to. Tried giving them time to work, but as time went on, I started feeling worse and worse. Exhausted all the time, then started getting tremors in my right arm, I noticed I'd loose feeling in my right hand once in a while, unexplained dizziness, slurred and slow speech....as time went on, I started feeling worse and worse. Every trip to the DR proved to be discouraging. Depression. Decrease stress. I was beginning to think I really was nuts!
Finally, a PA told me that I "most likely" had mono. I had mono when I was very young, I knew how tired you feel, sometimes sick...so I was fine with this diagnosis. Wasn't really sure how I was going to stay in bed and sleep constantly, but at least I had an answer. Blood was taken and I waited for more answers. The call with results never came and I never inquired (lesson learned).
Let's fast forward to December 2014. We had bought a house and moved late summer, constantly busy doing "house stuff" and I was exhausted all the time, because of all the work outside and inside, or so I thought. Then there was the mysterious "bite" under my arm, that never went away, in fact, by December it was still there and multiplied in size by... ALOT. It was red, raised and itchy! I treated as ringworm, but the OTC cream did NOTHING to help. It was that sore that finally convinced me to call my new primary care physician. Reluctantly...I really dreaded being herded in and out like cattle on a farm, symptom treated, but not listened to...... same ole thing as other places. But I made that call and got an appointment the very next day.
My sweet kiddo drove me to the appointment, I was not feeling well (pretty much the new "normal" for me) and on top of that I had that pit in my stomach, nerves because of being treated so badly in the past...this was not something I was looking forward to.
Well, from the moment the nurse called my name, I knew things were different. These people were polite. These people were nice. These people listened! Instead of a quick 12 - 15 minute appointment, the nurse as well as the DR took time to ask me questions, listen to me....I mean REALLY listen, I'd say that the DR took a good 45 minutes with me. After asking "the right questions," listening to my answers which lead to more of "the right questions," lots of blood tests were ordered. Not only were they ordered, the DR took time to explain why she wanted to do so many, what they were and why. So, the nurse drew lots and lots of blood and told me that she would call me as soon as the results were in...and guess what, about a week later, she did!!!
Of course, I had to make another appointment so that the DR could discuss the results with me, so it took about an extra week for me to find out what was wrong with me, if anything. On December 29th 2014, I finally had some honest to goodness, legit answers and guess what, I am NOT crazy! All (well a lot) of these symptoms are being caused by my thyroid: Hypothyroidism. It felt so good to know there is a real cause to why I've been slowly drifting away from ME. Drifting from people and things that I love because I feel so poorly. I finally have a caregiver who cares and WANTS to help me. That feels good and encouraging! She said that WE have a long road a head of US, but together, WE will get this all figured out and get me feeling "normal" once again! I am confident that she will help me get back to....ME!
Looking back, I really wish I would have fought harder for answers. I wish I had been my own advocate...instead, I just gave up. I would make appointments because I knew, even though I wasn't sick, something was not right. I just didn't feel good. Then, something would happen, a trip to PA to help take care of a sick loved one, helping a friend with something, house hunting, a move and I'd "post pone" my appointment. I put ME on hold. I gave up. I felt defeated. After all, they said I was depressed, I'd just have to learn to deal with it. I've seen those commercials, I know "depression hurts." I figured this was just the new me. I let myself feel defeated and alone.
If I could tell someone one thing to help them through a similar situation, I would tell them that they are the only one who knows what their "normal" feels like and if something starts to feel "off" go get it checked out right away. Be your own advocate. If you are not satisfied with the answers, fight until you get answers and help. Fight to get back to your "normal."
Today, I had another round of blood work taken. I have been on these meds for a month now. Nope, they have not been a miracle cure. I'm still exhausted often, my joints and muscles HURT, some days I have no appetite, I'm still not the ME that I was...and still am, somewhere deep inside, I am there...in time, I will be the REAL ME again and I can not wait for that time! I do miss ME and I know a lot of other people do too. I'm confident that I'm finally on the right path...this WILL happen some day. I WILL be happy and helpful. I WILL feel rested. I WILL want to do all of those things that I haven't wanted to do. I WILL BE ME!
I will close with this simple quote from one of my all time favorite movies: "Take care of YOU." ~ Kit/Pretty Woman
